There's a package for you Miss Jugalot.

This is what Ollie (housemate) sent in a text to me today. First thought, was wtf is with Miss Jugalot. Second thought, what have I ordered? Has someone gifted me a Mulberry Alexa? Have I ordered something in my sleep with my buddies credit card? (Joys of sorting tickets for people means I often have several sets of card details*). Got home and found a rather large envelope with my full name written on the front in a child's handwriting. It could only mean one thing. The Ex.

I've briefly mentioned him on this blog. Twat number 4. Basically, we met in first year of Uni. We did the same course but he was repeating. We randomly bumped into each other several times throughout the years but it was only when I cut my hair off did he stop and pay attention. Within a few months, we had nicknames for each other, our own silly language, constant private jokes and all the other things couples do. About 8 months into the relationship, I went out with my BFF David. The boyf's pals were all out too, at the same place. David and I get on like dicks sometimes and this particular night, I was celebrating that I'd missed the deadline for my dissertation- silly to go and get drunk, I know, but I handed it in a week late. All good. (Anyone want to know about how the quality of river sediment changes as it flows through an urban environment- I'm yer gal.) So back to the night in question- basically the boyf's pals all thought I was gonna make out with Mitch. Much as I love him, that'd be a little too incestuous for me. But that didn't stop these pals of him telling ma boyf I was making out with another dude. In fact, one of these pals (a chick) of his then went to another of my friends and said I'd tried it on with her. Erm luv, if I was gonna go all lezzer, I'd pick a hawt bird, not someone who looks like Dobby the house Elf.
Dave (the boy) didn't mention anything, came to my house hammered a few nights later. Said he was ditching me coz I cheated on him. I said his friends were wanks and so was he for believing them and promptly chased him out of my house, like a woman possessed. Then I collapsed in a crying, wailing mess and scared the fuck out of Paul.
The ex eventually realised he was a dick and we got back together. All was peachy for another few months till he stopped calling round coz he was at the gym. Or with his pals. Or had to be home by 7 to see his mammy and have dinner (and if he was 5 mins late the world would end). Or he had a new CD to rip onto iTunes. Or he had to dust his skirting boards. So I'd only see him when I went to his house. Which never had any heating. You'd see your breath when you were in bed. Oh, but he was toasty, coz he was surgically attached to a sleeping bag. At all times. Including when we were eating dinner.
I eventually had a moment of clarity when he was buggering off skiing for xmas and not once told me he was gonna miss me. He wasn't even bothered that he wasn't going to see me the entire festive season (like from mid December to the 2nd week of January). He refused to spend NYE with me because I mentioned I *might* be going out for a while with David. So I kicked him to the kerb. Didn't hear anything until my birthday two months later. Cue crying phone call. 'I've been a dick, blah blah. Delayed reaction blah, miss you blah, do anything you want blah blah.' And here's me. Nah pal. You were a wile dick. Too late. Stop calling me. I'm trying to get drunk. Quit ruining my birthday celebrations with your whingeing.

Didn't hear from him again until today. When he sent me this. Closeup of letter page one and page two. I'm glad to get my Planet Earth dvd's back. Almost bought the box set again on many occasions. Jeff, I have a few copies of, but this is the disk from the special edition so it will be returned to it's rightful place asap. I wrote a letter back. I wish him well. He was a dick to me, but he will find some bird who's happy to be low on his list of priorities. Or he'll cut the apron strings and man up. Either way, the letter was funny.

Phew, long post. Sorry for the rant folks. Tried cutting sections of the story out but couldn't do it.

*Please don't try and rob me for the card deets.